Goldberg's Motherlode
by Daniel Goldberg
Summary: A collection of plot-bunnies, ficlets, discontinued prologues and other half-baked ideas, from the absurd to the incredible, you'll find them all here as soon as I get around to finishing the first drafts.


Hey people, those of you who are still desperate enough, or loyal enough (sometimes I think the difference isn't all that great), to keep checking up on a has-been numbskull like me. Life's been getting pretty down on me lately, tests, work, and heavy doses of zero-inspiration. Kind of like the black hole of the muse world. Instead of giving inspiration, it takes it the fuck away.

What I do have, however, is an over-abundance of plot-bunnies. In an attempt to free up some processing power for A Different Sort of Naruto, The Bright Light of Konoha, Xander Displaced, and my only piece of Original fiction thus far (But let me tell ya, it's a doozy), I've decided to take a leaf out of the books of two of my favorite writers, Vesvius (currently no suffix, but this can - and does - change rather rapidly), and Andrew Joshua Talon (Author of Key Through the Heart, one of my favorite fanfics, my favorite Kingdom Hearts crossover fic, and the first fanfic-induced heartbreak I had since Naruto-pwns-Kyuubi's ANBU BRAT - horrible name, terrific writer), and make a short story and plot-bunny collection.

So saying, welcome to Goldberg's Motherlode. Here I will be throwing all the plot bunnies that I don't think are big enough to deserve a story of their own, or that are just present as prologues, segments, and ficlets in my head. Expect a lot of open ends here, folks, as this is just somewhere to vent my excess creativity gone wonky.

The following is the prologue to 'The Male Escort Service', the first plot bunny I had that I could actually write as an M-rated fic (the first was a fully-fledged NaruSakuIno lemon for A Different Sort of Naruto, and the second was a knock-off of the Ranma 1/2 lemon "A Real Man", which can be found on the Ranma 1/2 Lemon Stories Archive at (stfan-dot-free-dot-fr)). Right now the collection is safely within PG-13 boundaries, so I'll just be tagging on the rating T.

If I ever continue this particular plot bunny past a certain point, I may be forced to bump the rating up to M, much like I did with A Different Sort of Naruto, back in the Day (which, I don't know if you know, was a wednesday).

* * *

The Male Escort Service

By: Daniel Goldberg

Prologue: Opening Day

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto looked at the dozen men seated around the oval-shaped table in the middle of the room. The room was well lit, painted in various shades of blue, and had paintings of varying subjects and styles strewn deliberately along the walls. Naruto sat at the head of the table, his arms crossed at his chest as the twelve finally settled down in the seats nearest to him, out of the twenty-some seats that surrounded the table.

"Thank you," He said finally, his voice showing only a little of his annoyance, "Now, you all know why you are here, correct?"

The men nodded, albeit with a slight hesitation.

"Good," Naruto said with a small smirk, "But let's say it for the record anyway. We are the beginning of the Konoha Male Escort Service, or K-MEsS for short. As you all know, Konoha's funds are not as Godaime-baachan would like them to be. She is, however, adamant on not raising the taxes farther. The K-MEsS will add to Konoha's inbound profits by providing paid escort services to the Konoha females, both shinobi and otherwise, as well as some rare foreign cases." He got up from his chair and walked around it.

"I am well aware that most of you did not come here of your own full volition," As he said this, his gaze fell upon all but Inuzuka Kiba and a few other shinobi, who all smirked confidently, "Some of you have been pressured to join by your teammates," Nara Shikamaru, Akimichi Chouji and Hyuuga Neji all went into a severe coughing fit, "Some of you need the extra money, and some of you have your own personal reasons you do not see fit to share at the moment."

He rolled his seat backwards and stood, leaning onto the table. "Personally, I don't give a rat's ass what your reasons are for joining K-MEsS. I only care that you abide by our rules. While you work at K-MEsS, I will be your direct superior. You all are under my command. Each and every one of you." He caught a small movement in the corner of his eye. Neji had just snorted silently, "You too, Neji. In K-MEsS, I am your Father, your Mother, your fuckin' Virgin Mary, is that clear?" There was a slight murmuring among the ninjas.

Naruto wasn't having any of that. "I asked," he growled, before barking, "_Is that clear?_"

"Sir; yes, sir!" Came the resounding reply.

"Good." He said, leaning forward, hands on the table, "First rule, then, is you follow my orders implicitly. I am baa-chan's personal representative here, and my orders are to be considered on the same level as hers, although she can override them at any point if she so wishes."

He removed his hands from the chair, leaning back slightly to sit perfectly upright. "We are not a male prostitution ring. You are not required to 'follow through' on the night if you don't feel like it. Male courtesan missions are official missions given by the Hokage, and are not in any way related to K-MEsS. Each mission's imperative will be to provide the best escorts possible. The conditions of the 'encounter' will be agreed on entirely beforehand, and must be followed. Like all missions, you are expected to use your heads-"

"I'll bet." Came a murmur from the far side of the table, followed by a low wave of chuckles.

"Pipe down, Suzuhara, before I toss your ass out," Naruto growled, "Again, you will be required to follow the conditions of the encounters as closely as you can, but employing your intelligence – what little there may be, in some cases – is also required, in order to remain flexible enough so as to finish the encounter satisfactorily. This is the second rule; remain flexible, but always fulfill the conditions of the encounter.

"Third rule, you will be under constant appraisal; our clients will give us feedback on your performance in various categories – yes, even _that_. Failure to live up to our expectations will incur complementary seminars to bring you up to the desired level. Be forewarned that the desired level in high, and as such most all of you will be required to attend such a seminar sooner rather than later, to my estimation."

"Fourth rule, the details of your encounters are to be considered A to S class secrets, and are in no way to be repeated beyond the realms of reason. If you are encountered by acquaintances, and questioned, wave it off or otherwise repel them, without giving any details, especially about the fact that you've been hired. This is, of course, unless the client specifically allows you to speak of it, or speaks of it themselves."

Naruto leaned back in his chair, "Those are the base four rules. Additional rules and guidelines are in your personal dossiers. Missions from K-MEsS will be distributed through your mailboxes at your individual homes. The sender will be designated Shirahama Kenichi, and locked with a seal set, which the instructions for opening is within your dossier." Naruto looked around the room once, and then stood. "Now let's go give some women a happy."

The shinobi filed out swiftly and promptly. Fortunate for Naruto, for whom the upkeep of this serious façade was tiring, to say the least.

"Chaaa!" He exclaimed, stretching out his arms, not unlike someone waking from a long sleep. "Glad that's over with."

As he reached a hand for his ear, pulling out an earpiece, a figure came out from the shadows.

"Well, that went easily enough, no?" The figure spoke in a light, carefree tone.

Naruto turned to face the figure, "Thanks for the text, Kakashi-sensei, I wouldn't have been able to do it without your help."

Kakashi gave his former student his trademark eye-smile, "I only whispered the text, Naruto-kun," he said, sitting down in the chair closest to Naruto, "It was you who sold it." His visible eye narrowed for a second, "But I don't remember saying anything about giving anyone 'a happy.'"

Naruto shrugged, "Well, I needed something to dismiss them with, and the entire concept for this operation is ridiculous anyway, I thought, 'why not?'"

The silver-haired jounin shook his head. "I'm not sure Tsunade-sama would appreciate you calling her idea ridiculous…" He paused slightly, "But I can't exactly argue with you there."

Naruto stood up from his chair, stretched once more, then started heading towards the exit. "Well, I'll be going now, sensei, I'll see you tomorrow at the bar, right?"

Kakashi stood with a chuckle, "Actually, Naruto-kun, you won't."

"Huh?" The blond turned around, a questioning look on his face, only to find his hands instinctively grabbing a thrown object out of the air. A dossier.

"Your first assignment is tomorrow night," Kakashi smirked (or, at least, Naruto thought he smirked), "Details are in that dossier."

"Huh?" Naruto cunningly retorted.

"Tsunade-sama specifically ordered that along with heading this operation, you will also take care of some of the higher-caliber clients." Another eye-smile, "You're not only the head of K-MEsS, Naruto.

"You're an operative, too."

* * *

After entering his apartment, Naruto opened the dossier, only for his eyes to bug out at the name of his client.

Hyuuga Hinata.

_This won't end well.

* * *

_

Hope you liked what I've got so far. Any questions, I'll be glad to answer. Any suggestions, I'll be glad to accept.

Please remember to put this on your alerts, so that you won't miss any accidental golden egg I may lay.

I am also actively looking for a beta to shoot wild tangents at. My only requirement is that you have good english, but if you've written a story I liked, your chances will probably be better. Not that it's any great prize to be my beta or anything. Nope, I'm not arrogant at all.

~Daniel Goldberg

PS: I'm also on the market as a beta-reader myself. Read my beta-reader profile if you like.


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